[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*