i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*launders Kohls cash*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end