the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I came this close!!!!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Kids: Stay in school.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?