Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Squirrels before girls.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Erm I’m gonna say no
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.