I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.