I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: