If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Sign of the day..
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.