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Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Did a trash talking tree write this?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.