Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
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FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎