[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Breaking news:
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*