Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”