I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You Might Also Like
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.