what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
if a cop pulls u over play dead
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard