Happy Friday
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I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
mathematically impossible
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.