Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.