When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter