Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.