Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.