the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
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karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.