*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.