All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Ironic
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Expect the unexporcupine.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what