Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.