[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
You Might Also Like
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Holy moly
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.