She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!