We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
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i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating