Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
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It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.