When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Thursday
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.