me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.