Employees must applaud the planets.
You Might Also Like
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue