How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.