I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
In banana years, I am bread.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I hate my earbuds.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.