I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!