Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
This fish is cracking me up
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton