(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.