Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse