My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Pot warmers of the day.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun