Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
SCARY COSTUME
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.