I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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Uh oh…
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.