CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
What the hell is going on?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close