I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
You Might Also Like
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?