Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
next question.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
This could be us but you eatin’
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Taliband
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My first child will be named New Folder.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”