I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.