me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.