After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My neck my back my allergy attack