Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
How I like cutting carbs
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
The little toadstool has spoken.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.