FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
ok this is my dumbest yet
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm