Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I don’t make the rules sorry
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend