Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.