Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
How did we not see this back then?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.