My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
i meant to share this earlier
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny